You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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