I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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