I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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