i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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