I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no, he came in my armpit
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
