i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
