I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
