Just fell off a train. Bad.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no you cant smoke seaweed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
