I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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