Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
