you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
