If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
