The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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