My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
