Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
