her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
