Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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