so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
