Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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