He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
