I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
