I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
