someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
