i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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