there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you never un-have a 4some
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
