I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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