I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
