The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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