Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
