I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
