just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
