Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
