Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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