Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
