Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
