FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's rum buckets o'clock
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
