I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
