he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
