Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
