i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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