Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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