Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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