I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
