honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
