watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I didn't notice because vodka
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
