i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
