1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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