Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(734): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(903): View more from Texas

I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together

(513): View more from Ohio

Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...

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