I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
