I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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