yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
